How you approach a difficult conversation says more about your character than about the content of the conversation itself. Whether it’s about ending a relationship with a partner, firing an employee, discussing financial matters, or addressing a hot-button issue, how you start the conversation is the most important.
If you are too harsh and strict, the other person will withdraw and become defensive ('Me? What are you talking about?!'). If you are too soft and modest, the other person will become suspicious of your motives ('What do you mean by that?'). And if you are too passive and shy, the other person might just walk all over you ('I’m not going to listen to this.').
'Make sure you are not distracted during the time you have reserved.'
The best moment to take the sting out of a difficult conversation is before it even begins. Here are three rules to ensure that your approach always runs smoothly.
1. Reserve real, uninterrupted time
If you need to have a difficult conversation, eliminate the external factors that make it harder: find a private and comfortable setting, choose a time when neither of you is in a hurry or stressed, and ensure that there are no interruptions from the outside.
'People have an innate ability to sense threat.'
When you tune conversations solely to your own timeframe, the other person will already be unwilling to engage. It’s like driving on a highway at a hundred kilometers per hour and having to slow down because a slower car is right in front of you, forcing you to hit the brakes.
Now flip the roles. There are few things more frustrating than when someone tries to force you into a conversation you are not ready for. You feel pressured and are more susceptible to stress reactions.
Instead, schedule a time to have the conversation. The next time you need to plan a conversation, try this:
- 'What would be a good time on Friday morning to talk about…'
- 'Do you have time on Tuesday around a quarter to two to discuss…'
- 'Do you see a possibility to talk this afternoon about the agenda for Monday's meeting?'
Make sure you are not distracted during the time you have reserved. Do not place your phone on your desk (unless it’s face down). Do not hold your phone in your hand (unless you are not looking at it). Convey that what you need to discuss has your full attention.
2. Skip the pleasantries
If the topic of conversation is truly sensitive or will be received as bad news, we find it tempting to create a soft atmosphere. This often happens by asking your conversation partner how they are doing, how the family is, or starting with some random topic you have never been interested in ('Do you like working in the garden?' Blah blah blah.) You think you are doing the right thing.
But people are smarter than that. Despite your incredible acting skills, people have an innate ability to sense threat. Something feels off. One moment of insincerity from you and the other person will immediately be on guard.
Instead, be direct and transparent from the start. At the beginning of the conversation, tell the other person what kind of conversation you are going to have. If it’s about bad news, try:
- 'This is not going to be an easy message.'
- 'I need to share something uncomfortable with you.'
- 'This is not going to be easy to talk to you about.'
- And something like 'This is going to be a difficult conversation' works well too.
This type of statement should be the first thing that comes out of your mouth. Or it should at least follow your: 'Thank you for taking the time to talk with me.' This approach is more open and honest. And yes, it may feel more uncomfortable or awkward for him, but it is ultimately kinder.
3. Start with your conclusion
Start with your conclusion. In other words, imagine you are giving a presentation and you are nearing the end, the part where you say 'In conclusion…' Shift everything you would say afterward to the beginning of your conversation.
Let’s assume you are in a meeting and come up with this idea: 'Okay, so you know how much we all want customers to feel comfortable when they come to the counter? So I was thinking – and tell me if I’m wrong – but very often we end up in a concept where we make the experience for the customer too complicated, which is essentially just the idea that people don’t know what they want, okay? I’m saying all this because I want to say that we need to completely simplify our approach and aim for a more welcoming environment in the lobby when they walk in.'
'Respect yourself and the other person.'
Do you see that you can’t really know where this is going or what the ultimate question is until you get to the end?
Let’s see how it is when you move the end to the beginning: 'We should create a more welcoming environment in the lobby. If we make the entrance into an inviting space, customers are likely to feel more comfortable by the time they reach the counter.' That’s it. You’ve made your point immediately and provided the rationale.
This technique also works with written communication and messages. Now imagine you have to decline an invitation to a party. Which rejection sounds best?
MESSAGE 1: Hey! You know, I’m really sorry, but I had so much to do today and I was so stressed. Now it turns out my dog also had an allergic reaction and he’s acting strange. I’m really very sorry, but I don’t think I can make it tonight. Thank you so much for thinking of me, and if things change, I’ll definitely let you know!
MESSAGE 2: I have bad news, I can’t come tonight. Thank you for your invitation. Have a great party!
Message 1 sounds insincere. The more words you have to use, the more it sounds like you are lying. There’s a chance you’ll get a snappy message back like: 'Just say you don’t want to come.'
Message 2 gets straight to the point and sounds more honest. It’s a response that respects both yourself and the other person. And ultimately, that’s the goal of every conversation.
To learn more about giving feedback in difficult conversations, read: Five tips to master the art of giving feedback
